tattoo it love, feel it hurt

What Dreams May Come...

Wed, 01 May 2013 00:57:50 -0700

Yuanfen(Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.

I just watched the film, What Dreams May Come. I have been wanting to see it since it was first released. Although parts were corny, the message resonated deeply with me. Of course, any movie about love reminds me of my beautiful muse. He knows this. I know that every favorite female love interest he has, is me inside the television. I dance, I cry, I love him through a screen. But this particular movie was about soul mates. A heavy subject, soul mates. Many people do not believe in such an ideal. Why would there be only one other person on this planet for me? How would I be so lucky as to actually find this person? Why do other people remain alone?

I believe in my deepest of beliefs and thoughts and dreams and philosophies, that we are all connected to one other soul, not person. We meet him now, or meet him in the afterlife, or we meet him in three lives lived from this one. We are all souls, and we all have a match.

Dan may not be the conventional boyfriend. I cannot even call him that. I can call him an ex, a friend, but more than anything, more than husband or fiance, I can call him my lover. He cannot be anything conventional for me. He doesn’t know how to do it. He doesn’t feel okay “committing” in the old-fashioned sense of the word. He prefers to sleep alone. He wants his weekday routine. He is old, and he stuck in his ways. All of these are important in the physical life, the human life, not in any other lives. The things that attach me to him are far beyond this realm of living. When we see each other, it’s forever, it engorges my throat, and it fills my stomach, my chest warms, and my loins throb. When we met it was love, it was all-knowing, all-accepting, all-without condition. He lives years ahead of me, mere seconds in eternity.

A lover is exactly that, one who loves. All we do is love each other, deeply and without hesitation. We are each others’ favorite people, the ones we both love the most, more than we thought possible.

Sometimes, I think or I see a movie, and it can overwhelm me with memory. Sometimes, I flip the...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 01:09:03 -0700

Sometimes, I think or I see a movie, and it can overwhelm me with memory.

Sometimes, I flip the guide, and I see a movie and an actor from that movie reminds me of another movie, which transports me to one of the nicest places in time.

The Princess Bride is on.

Cary Elwes.

Crush.

Warm, fleshy, cotton. In the nook of his shoulder, ohhh, and the smell! The sweet, breathy, Dan smell. I want to bottle it up and wash my pillowcases in it. He does not know he has something fatal there. I breathe in that scent, and I push my self close to him, as close as I can go short of squeezing into his body as drops of water do. I am warmer than I have ever been, and I’m naked. My skin touches and grabs his.

We lay in the flickering blue light, as the movie plays on. We doze in and out, every time a waking kiss on the top of my head.

The walls in my brain began to crack. At first, they were little hairline fractures in the corners...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 00:20:00 -0700

The walls in my brain began to crack. At first, they were little hairline fractures in the corners of my sanity. But as he kept speaking, as he kept telling me no! No Meghan! No, it is over! As he kept hacking apart my heart with his blunt, emotionless tongue, those cracks got bigger.

I screamed as loud as my lungs could expel air, and I cried as hard as my eyes could produce tears. My heart pounded and I face was hot, and those cracks were getting bigger and bigger, and my brains were going to spill out, and my heart was climbing into my throat, and my stomach was twisting into itself.

My hands clawed at his faded black t-shirt and i begged him. My words were unknown to my mind, and my mind was unknown to me, and my heart was my whole body, my whole soul. I pleaded, and I wept.

He stood stoic. A stone. A caste of my once soft, gentle, weak man. He stood, staring over me. And I watched us both from above. My tears rained down on both of us, and I grabbed him, but i could hold on. My fingers couldn’t grasp him.

My brain was gone. And all the insanity i had swallowed for years, came thrusting forward, and my hands and mouth were the first to play.

I vomited insults, and i broke my things, his things from my love and care. My words shattered the cold air, shards of our lovemaking, our cuddles, our memories cut us.

Moody

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 00:26:14 -0800

Macauley Culkin pink

Thin, but kissably plump

Hugging my top lip

Moist, and soft

Smooth, a slight lick

My teeth grasp

A lower lip

Warmly caressing

Aggressively together

Eyes shut, scents encompass

Spice and sweet

His musk, makes me dream

Happy, angry, sad

No emotion matters

Love, irrational and necessary

Nonsensically comforts me

“I never told you what I love,” he says, whispering in my ear, his warm breath...

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 02:23:00 -0700

“I never told you what I love,” he says, whispering in my ear, his warm breath comforting my cheek.

I respond, “What do you love?” quivering from just the mention of a subject we haven’t touched in six months.

With a soft brush of his lower lip against my earlobe, he says, “I love this. I love when we are embracing, and I can hear you breathe. I can tell when you are smiling, just by the slight change in your breathing.”

…that is why I love him. To hell with conventional relationships. Very few are lucky to have the amazing connection I share with the most gentle man I know and I am so lucky to have love me, and he is so lucky to have me love him.

Friends.

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 02:43:41 -0700

There are so many friends in my life…I honestly feel blessed. But, there are always those certain ones who I miss, who I will always wonder, “what happened to us?”

Veronica, I miss you. Harry, I miss you.

Veronica, I don’t know what happened to us…I don’t know why we don’t talk all the time anymore, why we don’t cry on one another’s shoulder’s anymore, why we don’t crack up at each other anymore…I don’t know what happened….

I miss you, I miss us.

Years have passed, and I just don’t understand. I hope you don’t either. Because I want another chance at a friendship :(

Sex with an Ex.

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 15:11:52 -0700

So, after what was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through…I am back in the bed of my beloved ex. Is it crazy? Maybe. But I think after months of therapy, working on myself and talking with the people I needed to clear up issues with, I have realized Dan was not really the root of all my depression. Instead, he was very much the opposite. Now that I know I do not want a boyfriend, and have the confidence to know that, why not go back to the best sex I have ever had? He can’t commit, I can’t commit. But we both love each other, we both can’t get enough of each other, and we are just plain awesome apart, with our doses of one another. I am loving it, and I do believe he is loving it.

Sex with an Ex….simply rad.

I Wanna LIVE!

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:38:15 -0700

I wanna live! …I wanna ride a motorcycle, I wanna fuck hot guys, I wanna drink, I wanna learn as much as my brain can hold, I wanna read classics, I wanna blast music, I wanna run, swim, dance! Oh dancing! Everyday! I wanna sing karaoke, I wanna kiss, I wanna tend bar, I wanna wear colors, oh so many colors! I wanna travel! I wanna hold baby tigers, and swim with dolphins! I wanna be naked when I feel like it. I wanna live a FULL FUCKING LIFE! :D

Peace, Love, and All Else in which gives us pleasure!

:)

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 23:54:14 -0700

Photo

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 15:15:04 -0700

My Love...

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 23:38:55 -0700

I have a love. I have a man, that no matter what I do, no matter what anguish I have…he is always there. He hurts me, I hurt him…I used to be weak, now I am strong. I can differentiate between needing him and wanting him in my life. I have had very long discussions with him and my therapist about this. He is Dan. He is one of my very favorite people. In my whole life. He is top. I think it says a lot, because no matter what he has done, what I have done…when we see each other, talk to each other, it’s like there has been no time between, we have never had sore times…we are natural. We are Dan and Meghan.

I love him. And that’s all. It’s simple. No relationship, no expectations. Until I meet another man who makes me feel this way…I love Dan. No needing, no more dependancy…just love and good feelings.

Peace and Love.

My Therapist...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 01:02:37 -0700

Is one of the coolest persons I know.

I can tell her anything! :P

Lol.

“No one can label us…” I’m insane.

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 01:21:00 -0700

“No one can label us…”

I’m insane.

Europe, how I miss thee.

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 15:34:43 -0700

My last entry was me being completely jetlagged and dehydrated. As the days passed, I found myself more and more in love with Europe. But nothing compared to the love and familiarity I felt when I set foot in Dublin, Ireland.

I <3 Ireland.

To be continued….

First Night in London.

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 21:05:18 -0700

I have anxiety. It becomes more and more evident to me that it is quite bad. I am in Europe right now, and I am having a horrible time. All I ever wanted to see was London, Paris and Dublin…So far, I have seen London, it was cool, not the best thing ever…but it has been raining, and I am just not comfortable with my friend, even though she’s one of my best friends, I am just not comfortable with her…just me. Only three people in my life (one who really shouldn’t be…damn tragedy) who I can feel 100% with, and they are not here, so I am feeling very alone, and tired, and cold, and just plain unfamiliar to everything. I just want to be in my own bed with my cat. I want to have fun the rest of my stay, and I am determined to do so, but I can’t wait to be back in the good ol’ US of A.

Uh Ohh...

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 00:29:26 -0700

Had a Carrie/Big moment this weekend….oh well. Honestly…did y’all think it wasn’t gonna happen? Important thing is, I am open and hoping for another man who will treat me better. In the mean time, is it thaaaat bad to every once and awhile fool around with my ex? Maybe. I don’t know. Whatevs.

Hmmm...something new.

Thu, 31 May 2012 00:03:00 -0700

Got a text from a dude, who, in some way I have been intrigued by for the past year or so. Well, while I was single, I was intrigued. Let’s see what happens….

OH GAWD! This man is the definition of HOT for me. UGH!!

Tue, 29 May 2012 17:27:06 -0700

OH GAWD! This man is the definition of HOT for me. UGH!!

…got the maple syrup, everything but you. I go about my...

Tue, 29 May 2012 02:16:40 -0700

…got the maple syrup, everything but you.

I go about my business, doing fine. Besides, what would I say if I had you on the line?

Take a deep breath and a good look around…

I’m half alive, but I feel mostly dead…

I try to tell myself it will be alright, I shouldn’t think anymore tonight.

I know I gave it to you months ago….

Tue, 29 May 2012 02:08:41 -0700

I know I gave it to you months ago….